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Red Flags

It’s not always easy to tell at the beginning of a relationship if it will become abusive.

In fact, many abusers may seem absolutely perfect on the surface — as if they are the dream partner — in the early stages of a relationship. Possessive and controlling behaviours don’t always appear overnight, but rather emerge and intensify as the relationship grows.

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Domestic violence doesn’t look the same in every relationship because every relationship is different. But one thing most abusive relationships have in common is that the abusive partner does many different kinds of things to have more power and control over their partners.

  • Embarrassing or putting you down

  • Looking at you or acting in ways that scare you

  • Controlling who you see, where you go, or what you do

  • Keeping you or discouraging you from seeing your friends or families

  • Taking your money or refusing to give you money for expenses

  • Preventing you from making your own decisions

  • Telling you that you are a bad parent or threatening to harm or take away your children

  • Preventing you from working or attending school

  • Blaming you for the abuse, or acting like it’s not really happening

  • Destroying your property or threatening to hurt or kill your pets

  • Intimidating you  with guns, knives or other weapons

  • Shoving, slapping, choking or hitting you

  • Attempting to stop you from pressing charges

  • Threatening to commit suicide because of something you’ve done

  • Threatening to hurt or kill you

  • Pressuring you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with

  • Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol

  • Preventing you from using birth control or pressuring you to become pregnant when you’re not ready

  • Lack of compromise

  • Subtle control, such as strongly encouraging you to dress a certain way

  • Guilt tripping

  • Coercive behaviour, or behaviour that pressures you into things

  • Having a typically confrontational attitude

  • Unreasonable statements about how much they deserve, or what they deserve

  • Feeling as though the whole world is against

  • them, all the time

  • Denying their behaviour

  • Lack of respect for your feelings

  • Sarcastic comments downplayed as jokes

  • Extreme jealousy

  • The silent treatment

  • Building you up, then breaking you down and repeating this cycle

  • Lying

  • Statements like, “If you loved me, you would x, y, z.”

  • Gaslighting

  • Abusive actions in prior relationships

  • Cruelty toward others/animals

  • Interrogations about your day and whereabouts

  • Sabotaging your friendships (isolation)

  • Breaking boundaries

  • Not taking responsibility for their actions

  • Showing disrespect toward former partners.

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